Favorite Quotes

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

— Matt Groening

We seek a free flow of information… We are not afraid to entrust the American people with unpleasant facts, foreign ideas, alien philosophies, and competitive values. For a nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and the flasehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people.


Wow, A whole 28 people in the study! This is the kind of in-depth study we need to
see reported as news. Yay for ABC! When Family Feud samples more people than you,
you know your study sucks.

Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

— W.C. Fields

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

— Franklin P. Jones

Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.

— Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student

Any father who thinks he’s all important should remind himself that this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.

I wish I could hear the soundtrack to my life. That way I’d know when to duck.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

— James F. Byrnes

The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.

After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything. Just in case.

Real Time, adj.:
Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

— Emo Phillips

“Reflections on Ice-Breaking”
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.

— Ogden Nash

The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.

— Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas

Happiness isn’t something you experience; it’s something you remember.

— Oscar Levant

“Reality is only an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”

— Albert Einstein

Envy, n:
Wishing you’d been born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one.

Why must you tell me all your secrets when it’s hard enough to love
you knowing nothing?

— Lloyd Cole and the Commotions

should be painful

— Saw on a bumber sticker

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too. “

— H. L. Mencken

“Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. “

— Oscar Wilde

Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.

— Albert Camus

Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.

— Wernher von Braun

All people are born alike — except Republicans and Democrats.

— Groucho Marx

When life gives you lemons, ask for Tequila and salt…

No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one’s business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.

— George Bernard Shaw

Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you’re best at, that’s what I say.

— Doctor Who

You don’t have to be nice to people on the way up if you’re not planning on coming back down.

— Oliver Warbucks, “Annie”

If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had only ten apostles.

— US Senator Jesse Helms

“The whole world is about three drinks behind.”

— Humphrey Bogart

Pretty women make us buy beer, ugly women make us drink beer

— Al Bundy

The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp their wives and daughters to his arms.

— Genghis Khan

If Mr. Edison had thought smarter he wouldn’t sweat as much.

— Nikola Tesla

Women can keep a secret just as well as men, but it takes more of them to do it.

Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship us and are always bothering us to do something for them.

— Oscar Wilde

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet.

— Damon Runyon

Free speech and government criticism are part of what that flag stands for. The flag means the flag can be burned.

To the civilized nations of the world, America is the bully that everyone wants on their team when choosing for a game of football, but no one wants their sister to marry.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.

— Nathaniel Borenstein

There’s one hole in every revolution, large or small. And it’s one word long — People. No matter how big the idea the all stand under, people are small and weak and cheap and frightented. It’s people that kill every revolution.

“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to greater danger. It works the same in any country.”

— Hermann Goering (1893 – 1946) – Commander-in-Chief of the Luftwaffe, President of the Reichstag, Prime Minister of Prussia and Hitler’s designated successor – The second in command of the Third Reich

Open-minded people must accept the possibility that being closed-minded is better. Close-minded people can take comfort in knowing that they are right.

I’m like a superhero, with no powers or motivation.

Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs

People who cry about stereotypes are usually upset because they fall into them. We don’t have time to get to know every single person we see. We have to stereotype people in certain ways to know which one of them wants to kill us for our wallet, which ones can’t drive, and which ones enjoy the taste of falafel. If we didn’t have stereotypes, we’d be doing stupid shit like walking up to bikers and asking who won today’s tennis match.

Women are like parking spaces… all the good ones are taken and all that’s left are the handicapped.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!

— Adolf Hitler

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

— Dick Cavett

The worst form of inequality is to make unequal things equal

— Aristotle

I like the libertarian view, which is to leave everyone alone. Even as a kid, I was annoyed by people who wanted to tell everyone how to live.

— Clint Eastwood

You have no responibility to live up to what other people think you ought to accomplish. I have no responsibility to be like they expect me to be. It’s their mistake, not my failing

— Richard Feynman

Liberal democracy teaches that cultural tolerance is essential, but you don’t have to get far from liberal democracy for liberal democrats to become very intolerant.

A Great law protects me from the government. The Bill of Rights has 10 GREAT laws.

A Good law protects me from you. Laws against murder, theft, assault and the like are good laws.

A Poor law attempts to protect me from myself.

Censorship is telling a man he can’t have a steak just because a baby can’t chew it

— Mark Twain

For the slow: I’m saying that you’re stupid and wouldn’t come up with this idea on your own; pay attention.

Somewhere people are plotting against you and I am probably among them.

Any time anyone says human beings are inherently superior to animals, I say, “Yeah? Well go try to sell a monkey a long distance service and see if he goes for it!” Even apes aren’t fooled by the bells and whistles; show a gorilla a hip, alternative banana along with a plain one, and he’ll still punch you in the nuts and take ’em both

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who do not posess it.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because its much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

— George Carlin

“What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we wouldn’t have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try anyway, George.”

— D.J. on KSFO/KYA

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.

— Soren Kierkegaard

I used to have a drinking problem.
Now I love the stuff.

Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.

Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters.

— Victor Hugo

Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one young woman and another.

— George Bernard Shaw, “Major Barbara”

A mass of Latin words falls upon the facts like soft snow, blurring the outline and covering up all the details. The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink. In our age there is no such thing as ‘keeping out of politics.’ All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred, and schizophrenia. When the general atmosphere is bad, language must suffer.

— George Orwell, “Politics and the English Language”

Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the Government’s purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

— Louis Brandeis

Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she’s losing. Well I say, hard cheese.

— C. M. Burns

The ability to pick shit up quickly and solve problems is far more important than the ability to regurgitate arbitrary facts. If I can hand you anything from a broken mail configuration to a broken coffee machine, and you tell me “I know nothing about this, but I’m on it,” you’re somebody I want working with me.

— Heresiarch

The technical details don’t even matter here. A company that doesn’t believe anyone would ever try to steal an election shouldn’t be in the voting machine business.

— Kevin Drum

We are all self-made… but only the successful admit it…

Most people are other people, their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation

— Oscar Wilde

A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.

— Anatole France

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

— J. Winter Smith

…whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.

— Richard Shelton

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

— Niels Bohr

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for

— — Oscar Wilde

A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn’t care to
drink with — even if he drank.

— H.L. Mencken

There are three schools of magic.

One: State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; that’s philosophy.

Two: Record many facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the nextfact; that’s science.

Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent
Universe controlled by Murphy’s Law, sometimes offset by Brewster’s Factor; that’s engineering.

Nuclear war would really set back cable.

— Ted Turner

It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.

— Richard M. Nixon

A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.

— Richard M. Nixon

Americans admire a people who can scratch a desert and produce a garden. The Israelis have shown qualities that Americans identify with: guts, patriotism, idealism, a passion for freedom. I have seen it. I know. I believe that.

— Richard M. Nixon

Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets.

— Henry A. Kissinger

Corrupt politicians make the other ten percent look bad.

— Henry A. Kissinger

I don’t see why we need to stand by and watch a country go communist due to the irresponsibility of its people. The issues are much too important for the Chilean voters to be left to decide for themselves.

— Henry A. Kissinger

If you don’t know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere.

— Henry A. Kissinger

In crises the most daring course is often safest.

— Henry A. Kissinger

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

— Henry A. Kissinger

No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it ends in the administration of every man’s farm by himself; by placing under every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.

— Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

— Mike Romanoff

Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.

A man can be as great as he wants to be. If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done.

— Vince Lombardi

But I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour, his greatest fulfillment of all he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle – victorious.

— Vince Lombardi

If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?

— Vince Lombardi

If you can accept losing you can’t win. If you can walk you can run. No one is ever hurt. Hurt is in your mind.

— Vince Lombardi

Leaders are made, they are not born. They are made by hard effort, which is the price which all of us must pay to achieve any goal that is worthwhile.

— Vince Lombardi

Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.

— Vince Lombardi

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.

— Vince Lombardi

The quality of a person’s life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor.

— Vince Lombardi

We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible.

— Vince Lombardi

Winning is not a sometime thing; it’s an all time thing. You don’t win once in a while, you don’t do things right once in a while, you do them right all the time. Winning is habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.

— Vince Lombardi

It’s no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

— George Burns

I’m going to start carrying around my Christmas shopping list and scratching people out when they piss me off. with any luck, i’ll only be shopping for myself come December.

— Christine

The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted.

— Heywood Broun

A price has to be paid for success. Almost invariably those who have reached the summits worked harder and longer, studied and planned more assiduously, practiced more self-denial, overcame more difficulties than those of us who have not risen so far.

— B.C. Forbes

Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.

— Stanley Walker

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.

These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.

— Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner

For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening’s experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on record forever.

— Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888

All farewells should be sudden, when forever, Else they make an eternity of moments, And clog the last sad sands of life with tears.

— Lord Byron

“The good Christian should beware of mathematicians, and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of Hell.”

— St. Augustine, De Genesi ad Litteram, Book II, xviii, 37

an old man recently told me “Son, I’ve learned something new every day of my life, and I’m getting damn tired of it.”

Some men are discovered; others are found out.

A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why “their” Salvadorans fight better than “our” Salvadorans. It is not a matter of their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.

— — William LeoGrande, “New York Times”, 3/9/83

Women’s Libbers are OK, I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.

— — Matt Groening

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

— — Sam Brown, “The Washington Post”, January 26, 1977

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.

— — Matt Groening

God often gives nuts to toothless people

— — Matt Groening

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.

— Solomon Short

God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little …
The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty …
I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman …
not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!

— Rev. Henry Ward Beecher

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.

“That’s what I like to see”, said the priest, “A man helping his fellow man”.

As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, “Well, he sure doesn’t know the first thing about shark fishing.”

I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract — no brush, no canvas, I just think about it.

— Steven Wright

Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?

A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

— Groucho Marx

incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

— Rod Serling

Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.

— George Gordon, Lord Byron, “Don Juan”

Love means having to say you’re sorry every five minutes.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

— Nikita Khrushchev

The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these atoms is talking moonshine.

— Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for the first time

But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense — the debate about angels on pinheads — makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.

— S.J. Gould, “Wide Hats and Narrow Minds”

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.

— Dwight Eisenhower, 1953

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

— Gore Vidal

Life is pretty simple: You do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. You do more of what works. If it works big, others quickly copy it. Then you do something else. The trick is the doing something else.

— Leonardo da Vinci

Seleznick’s Theory of Holistic Medicine:
Ice Cream cures all ills.

If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us with alarm clocks.

No problem is so formidable that you can’t just walk away from it.

I don’t have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

— Elvis Presley

Things worth having are worth cheating for.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

— Niels Bohr

The notion of a Christian commonwealth should be exploded forever…Government should protect every man in thinking and speaking freely, and see that one does not abuse another. The liberty I contend for is more than toleration. The very idea of toleration is despicable; it supposes that some have a pre-eminence above the rest to grant indulgence, whereas all should be equally free, Jews, Turks, Pagans and Christians.

— John Leland – A Chronicle of His Time in Virginia.

Every man must give account of himself to God, and therefore every man ought to be at liberty to serve God in a way that he can best reconcile to his conscience. If government can answer for individuals at the day of judgment, let men be controlled by it in religious matters; otherwise, let men be free.

— John Leland – Right of Conscience Inalienable.

The gift of mental power comes from God, Divine Being, and if we concetrate our minds on that truth, we become in tune with this great power.
My Mother had taught me to seek all truth in the Bible.

— Nikola Tesla

HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. I know people who can’t even learn from what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.

— Chad C. Mulligan, “The Hipcrime Vocab”

Be braver — you can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps.

Figures never lie, but liars always figure

Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, if you ain’t got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.

— Ian Dury

Guns don’t kill people, husbands who come home early kill people.

— Jimmy Kimmel

There is no such thing as an ugly woman — there are only the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.

— Christian Dior

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.

— Dr Seuss

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven’t a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same.

— Ronald Reagan

UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things.

— Doug Gwyn

In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said “Let There Be Light!”

And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.

People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.

— John Kenneth Galbraith

A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine.

— Thomas Jefferson

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.

— Thomas Jefferson

I have no fear that the result of our experiment will be that men may be trusted to govern themselves without a master.

— Thomas Jefferson

The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.

— Winston Churchill

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.

— Thomas Jefferson

Of liberty I would say that, in the whole plenitude of its extent, it is unobstructed action according to our will. But rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add ‘within the limits of the law,’ because law is often but the tyrant’s will, and always so when it violates the right of an individual.

— Thomas Jefferson

I don’t believe in astrology. But then I’m an Aquarius, and Aquarians don’t believe in astrology.

— James R. F. Quirk

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

— Mark Twain

Success isn’t permanent, and failure isn’t fatal.

— Mike Ditka

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

— Sir Winston Churchill

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.

— Abraham Lincoln

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.

— Ernest Hemingway

Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!

“God is constantly searching our hearts and minds. He’s kind of like Santa Claus. He knows if you’ve been good or if you’ve been bad.”

— George W. Bush

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up every bird watcher in the country.

— John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972

Your ability to be a winner 100 percent of the time is based upon giving up the notion that losing at anything is equivalent to being a loser.

— Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

That which doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger, it makes you bitter and cynical.

The atheist can’t find God for the same reason that a thief can’t find a policeman.

— Author Unknown

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

— Winston Churchill

A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.

— C.S. Lewis

The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful, and has nobody to thank.

— Dante Gabriel Rossetti

Humanism or atheism is a wonderful philosophy of life as long as you are big, strong, and between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five. But watch out if you are in a lifeboat and there are others who are younger, bigger, or smarter.

— William Murray

My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? If the whole show was bad and senseless from A to Z, so to speak, why did I, who was supposed to be part of the show, find myself in such a violent reaction against it?… Of course I could have given up my idea of justice by saying it was nothing but a private idea of my own. But if i did that, then my argument against God collapsed too–for the argument depended on saying the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my fancies. Thus, in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist – in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless – I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality – namely my idea of justice – was full of sense. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never have known it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.

— C.S. Lewis

I can see how it might be possible for someone to look around on earth and not believe in God, but I cannot conceive how anyone could look up into the heavens and say there is no God.

— Abraham Lincoln

If the solar system was brought about by an accidental collision, then the appearance of organic life on this planet was also an accident, and the whole evolution of Man was an accident too. If so, then all our present thoughts are mere accidents – the accidental by-product of the movement of atoms. And this holds for the thoughts of the materialists and astronomers as well as for anyone else’s. But if their thoughts – i.e., Materialism and Astronomy – are mere accidental by-products, why should we believe them to be true? I see no reason for believing that one accident should be able to give me a correct account of all the other accidents. It’s like expecting the accidental shape taken by the splash when you upset a milk-jug should give you a correct account of how the jug was made and why it was upset.

— C.S. Lewis

There are those who hate Christianity and call their hatred an all-embracing love for all religions.

— G.K. Chesterton

Men do not differ much about what things they will call evils; they differ enormously about what evils they will call excusable.

— G.K. Chesterton

Some people complain because God puts thorns on roses, while others praise God for putting roses among thorns.

— Author Unknown

A heathen philosopher once asked a Christian, ‘Where is God’? The Christian answered, ‘Let me first ask you, Where is He not?’

— Aaron Arrowsmith

I was at this time of living, like so many Atheists or Anti-theists, in a whirl of contradictions. I maintained that God did not exist. I was also very angry with God for not existing. I was equally angry with Him for creating a world.

— C.S. Lewis

Someone once said that if you sat a million monkeys at a million typewriters for a million years, one of them would eventually type out all of Hamlet by chance. But when we find the text of Hamlet, we don’t wonder whether it came from chance and monkeys. Why then does the atheist use that incredibly improbable explanation for the universe? Clearly, because it is his only chance of remaining an atheist. At this point we need a psychological explanation of the atheist rather than a logical explanation of the universe.

— Peter Kreeft

Nobody talks so constantly about God as those who insist that there is no God.

— Heywood Broun

Can’t act. Slightly bald. Also dances.

— RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire’s screen test. Cerf/Navasky, “The Experts Speak”

Silence is Golden
Duct Tape is Silver

— Seen on a T-Shirt

Girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money

— Good Charlotte

This is a blues riff in B, watch for the changes and try to keep up

— Marty McFly

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

— Unknown Author

“You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.”

— Al Capone

Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision. The ability to direct individual accomplishments toward organizational objectives. It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results.

— Andrew Carnegie

Not knowing how to cook is like not knowing how to f@#k.

— Robert Rodriquez

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time

— John Lubbock

We are all self-made… but only the successful admit it…

It only takes one drink to get me drunk, but I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.

— George Burns

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”

— Col. David Hackworth

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming, “WOW, what a ride!!”

You win some, lose some, and wreck some.

— Dale Earnhardt

I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations.

— James Madison

If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?

— Rumi

You may be capable of great things,
But life consists of small things.

— Den Ming-Dao

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

— Robert A. Heinlein

You can do anything you want to do. What is rare is this actual wanting to do a certain thing; wanting it so much that you are practically blind to all other things, that nothing else will satisfy you…. I know I have said a lot when I say ‘You can do anything you want to do.’ But I mean it… Blunder ahead with your personal view… The real work of art is the result of a magnificent struggle.

— Painter Robert Henri from his book The Art Spirit

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:

that the moment one definitely commits oneself,
then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would not otherwise have occured. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour
all manner of unforseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man would have dreamed would come his way.

I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets:

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it! Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it.”

— W.H. Murray from The Scottish Himalayan Expedition and Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

If you want to build a ship
don’t herd people together to collect wood
and don’t assign them tasks and work,
but rather teach them to long for the
endless immensity of the sea.

— Antoine-Marie-Roger de Saint-Exupery

Self mastery is the quality of a king.

Be vigilant in your control over the self. If you cannot respond to your will, how can you expect others to respond

— from Sanskrit Vedas translated by Drew Lawrence

The lesson which life repeats and constantly enforces is “Look under foot.” You are always nearer to the divine and the true sources of your power than you think. The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.

Do not despise your own place and hour. Every place is under the stars, every place is the center of the world.

— John Burroughs

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

— Marianne Williamson

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then get elected and prove it.

— P.J. O’Rourke

Corruption and hypocrisy ought not to be inevitable products of democracy, as they undoubtedly are today.

— Mahatma Gandhi

Clutter is the disease of American writing. We are a society strangling in unnecessary words, circular constructions, pompous frills and meaningless jargon.

— William Zinsser

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

— Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)

“It’s gonna be legend-… wait for it… and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!”

— Barney, from How I Met Your Mother

If guns are outlawed, can we use swords

While money doesn’t buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.

“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.”

— Plato

Intelligence plus Character – that is the goal of true education.

— Martin Luther King Jr.

If we sit and talk in a dark room, words suddenly acquire new meanings and different textures. All those gestural qualities that the printed page strips from language come back in the dark, and on the radio.

— Marshall McLuhan

How can you keep your axe sharp if you don’t grind it on a regular basis?

Love is Blonde

Whether we name divine presence synchronicity, serendipity, or graced moment matters little. What matters is the reality that our hearts have been understood. Nothing is as real as a healthy dose of magic which restores our spirits.

— Nancy Long

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

— President Thomas Whitmore – Independence Day

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

— Joe E. Lewis

The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they are ignorant, but that they know so much that isn’t so.

— Ronald Reagan

You’re 32 years old, and you’ve achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin’.

— Jim Byrd – Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Power corrupts.
Knowledge is power.
Study hard.
Be evil.

Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

— P.J. O’Rourke

Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

— Heinlein

Just remember, men can see much better than they can think. A low-cut neckline does more for a girl’s future than the entire Britannica encyclopedia!

— advice in the movie “Peyton Place” (1957)

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

— P. J. O’Rourke

Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight.

— Fellow politician on Teddy Roosevelt

If this is paradise, I wish I had a Lawn Mower!

— Talking Heads – (Nothing But) Flowers

If everything seems under control you are not going fast enough.

— Mario Andretti, racecar driver

I’ve always liked you Byron, but you never know when to shut up. Even bad men love their mommas.

— Ben Wade – 3:10 to Yuma

God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things . . . Right now I’m so far behind, I will never die.

— Calvin & Hobbes

Horsepower is how hard you hit the wall, torque is how much of the wall you take with you.

Women are made to love,
money is made to spend
Life is something buddy, you will never live again
Oh I’ve got to admit it, Joe sure knows how to live

— Eddie Raven

We’re Not Happy ‘Til You’re Not Happy

— Reel Big Fish

Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.

— M. Hirschfield

Compromise, hell! … If freedom is right and tyranny is wrong, why should those who believe in freedom treat it as if it were a roll of bologna to be bartered a slice at a time?

— Jesse Helms

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

— Abraham Maslow

You must either conquer and rule or serve and lose, suffer or triumph, be the anvil or the hammer.

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

If you can leave two black stripes from the exit of one corner to the braking zone of the next, you have enough horsepower.

— Mark Donohue

What’s behind you doesn’t matter.

— Enzo Ferrari

You can tell that you’re in trouble when you feel the air on the back of your neck instead of in your face.

— Buddy Baker

Moonshiners put more time, energy, thought, and love into their cars than any racer ever will. Lose on the track, and you go home. Lose with a load of whiskey, and you go to jail.

— Junior Johnson, NASCAR legend, and one time whiskey runner.

Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports… all the others are games.

— Ernest Hemingway

Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.

— Bill Musselman

Have you seen that show on CBS called The Amazing Race? Is that show about white people?

— Zach Galifianakis

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

— Benny Hill

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

— Albert Einstein

Always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost.

— John Quincy Adams

Somewhere, right now, MySpace Tom is giving himself a pep talk in a mirror.

— Caprice Crane

Googling your symptoms when you don’t feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself you’re dying.

— Caprice Crane

Half of life is fucking up the other half is dealing with it.

— Henry Rollins

Do it or don’t. It’s amazing how many things in life are that easy.

— Henry Rollins

School is just for white people looking for other white people to read to ’em. I figured I save my money and read to myself.

— Tara Thornton – True Blood

Truth Is, Everybody Is Going To Hurt You. You Just Gotta Find The Ones Worth Suffering For.

— Bob Marley

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

— Robert Brault

You need three ingredients for a cocktail. Vodka and Mountain Dew is an emergency.

— Peggy Olson, Mad Men

I believe when someone has a story they want to tell you – you let them tell it.

— Lisa Barone

I love when responsibility and laziness meet.

— Susanna Anderson, Facebook

When you look like I do, it’s hard to get a table for one at Chuck E. Cheese

— Zach Galifianakis

I never miss an opportunity to have sex or appear on television.

— Gore Vidal 1925-2012

It’s about the journey–mine and yours–and the lives we can touch, the legacy we can leave, and the world we can change for the better.

— Tony Dungy

“Life is great, but football is better”

— Steve Sabol

The only tool you need in life is a Hammer. If it doesn’t move and should, hit it until it does. If it moves and it shouldn’t, hit it until it stops.

— Bob

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.

— Kenji Miyazawa

That’s what governments are for… get in a man’s way.

— Captain Malcom Reynolds

Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work.

— Stephen King

May the bridges I burn light the way.

— Dylan McKay – Beverly Hills 90210

There’s no glory in thinking for a living.

— Captain Dylan Hunt

It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.

— Yogi Berra

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